Missing your ex? Or missing the past?

For many years now, I am "haunted" by memories of my life in Bali from 2012 until 2013. I remember many places, people, feelings...and of course my girlfriend at that time, M. So it was only natural that I assumed that I miss her and can't move on/still love her.

But it's been 6 years and counting. Is it really her that I miss?

I started to realize that at closer look, not only did I merely remember her, but also moments that surround her. I remember staying at my former friends place and watching Rollerball. I remember hanging out with my friend E and her gay friends. I remember my first trip to Sanur by taxi. Or listening to MC Solars "Caroline" while walking in Jimbaran. Or watching an old Western while going to the food stall to get food for me and M, but although M is part of this memory, I rather remember how adventurous/exciting it felt.

Maybe the tricky part is that for most of my time in Bali, I was together with M. So whatever I experienced, I experienced it with her. Except for a few times before we met or while we were on a break ( like when I met J and we stayed in hotels 2 times).

And while my relationship with M seemed to be true love and I still feel bad about it ending or about the mistakes I made, I miss my life and the way I felt during that time just as much, if not more. And I keep wondering, what was so different?

Recently, I stayed with C and we watched Desperate Housewives together and half the James Bond movies. And it felt a lot like when I was with M and we watched Desperate Housewives or other shows/movies. So maybe it's just about being together with someone over a longer period of time?

I also remember that my messenger at that time stopped working for most of the time and it seemed to be a blessing in disguise, because I wasn't so easily distracted (something I noticed happening more and more in the years which followed).

I think we are conditioned to draw connections in our mind. We look at old pictures and remember emotions. We smell a certain odor and remember our childhood or something like that. So if we remember our past, it could be all too easy to remember a certain person as the potential source of all our happiness, while actually we had that happiness inside us. Maybe that person helped us to bring out said happiness, but we still created it. But we may not remember HOW we did that. So we mourn and might feel that we need this person back, kind of as a key/catalyst.

It's a theory, but it's one that I see as highly likely. Why else would I think back of M or my past usually just when I am at my lowest/unhappy? Why not when I am fine?
Don't we usually look at our past if the present and future holds no perspective?

Yes, I do believe that to some point, I will always miss my ex and the moments we shared. But I need to remind myself that I was the one who experienced those moments as special. It was in me. So I just need to find a way to access this source of happiness in myself. Even M couldn't help me with that if she'd be with me now.