Loneliness kills
I'm lonely. Many times do I feel this way. Usually when I'm alone, but sometimes even when I'm with someone else. It hasn't always been this way. I think up until 2012, when I was living with M, I was more or less ok with it. Sure, I felt lonely too and wasn't always happy. But it got a lot worse after I returned from Indonesia after I'd been living with someone else for more than half a year.
A week after I was back, I also started to feel very depressed. I couldn't focus as well anymore and felt joyless. What had changed? Basically just that I was suddenly alone most of the time.
These days, I feel lonely again. I'm never sure if I'm feeling depressed because I'm lonely. Or if I'm lonely because I'm depressed (depression makes you isolate yourself).
I did feel better when I visited C in the past. I wasn't alone, I felt like I belong somewhere. I felt loved and in love. But as soon as I was back, I felt lonely again. And it seems that C only had those feelings for me as long as I was nearby. C never seems to feel depressed OR lonely. That's something I can't even imagine, because I feel it far too often. It's something that keeps sneaking into my life when I least expect it.
In the UK, there's now even a ministry for loneliness. Because the NHS(National Health Service) has realized that loneliness is in fact killing people. Be it that they commit suicide or get depressed (and again commit suicide) or they get physically weaker.
People tell you that you have to love yourself before you can love others. That you have to be in peace with being alone. But if that's how it is, why do people have friends? Why do people socialize? Go to bars? Date each other? I think that human beings weren't made to be alone.
I can only speak for myself, but I hate to be alone. I was alone most of my life and I'm pretty sure I'll have lonely days in the future. Even if I marry and stay married, my wife might die before I do. And then I'd have many lonely years.
Distracting myself isn't helping either these days. I try to watch something or play a game or read, but it only works for a while or sometimes not at all and my thoughts are always circling around my lonely state.
Is this a result of our society, being faster and faster lately? The internet? A lack of real life communication? Depression is already the number 3 killer after heart disease and cancer in Western countries and I'm pretty sure it's similar in developing countries. A lot of celebreties commit suicide, despite having money, fame, a family...depression and loneliness definitely go hand in hand, it's just a question of what came first.
Maybe I'd have to learn again how to cope with it. But what are my options when I feel this way? Sit down and stare at the wall until I don't feel lonely anymore? Sleep? I can't focus on watching tv and if I go for a walk, I listen to music or distract myself (something that has already become sort of second nature). I'm actually kind of scared to see how addicted I am to distractions at this point. Especially since they don't work well anymore.
Some friends tell me "Find a girlfriend". But is that the answer? Of course I'd love to have someone special, someone who understands me and who is happy to have me around. But where to find such a person? I thought it could have been C, but I was wrong about that. Is it B? She's always there for me and I can feel her sincerity, but I can't help but feel that there's something missing, probably the romantic aspect. And I don't want to hurt someone, just because I suffer. I don't want to be a selfish person. As much as I hate to be alone, I want to be happy by being with someone who also feels happier because they have me in their life.
A week after I was back, I also started to feel very depressed. I couldn't focus as well anymore and felt joyless. What had changed? Basically just that I was suddenly alone most of the time.
These days, I feel lonely again. I'm never sure if I'm feeling depressed because I'm lonely. Or if I'm lonely because I'm depressed (depression makes you isolate yourself).
I did feel better when I visited C in the past. I wasn't alone, I felt like I belong somewhere. I felt loved and in love. But as soon as I was back, I felt lonely again. And it seems that C only had those feelings for me as long as I was nearby. C never seems to feel depressed OR lonely. That's something I can't even imagine, because I feel it far too often. It's something that keeps sneaking into my life when I least expect it.
In the UK, there's now even a ministry for loneliness. Because the NHS(National Health Service) has realized that loneliness is in fact killing people. Be it that they commit suicide or get depressed (and again commit suicide) or they get physically weaker.
People tell you that you have to love yourself before you can love others. That you have to be in peace with being alone. But if that's how it is, why do people have friends? Why do people socialize? Go to bars? Date each other? I think that human beings weren't made to be alone.
I can only speak for myself, but I hate to be alone. I was alone most of my life and I'm pretty sure I'll have lonely days in the future. Even if I marry and stay married, my wife might die before I do. And then I'd have many lonely years.
Distracting myself isn't helping either these days. I try to watch something or play a game or read, but it only works for a while or sometimes not at all and my thoughts are always circling around my lonely state.
Is this a result of our society, being faster and faster lately? The internet? A lack of real life communication? Depression is already the number 3 killer after heart disease and cancer in Western countries and I'm pretty sure it's similar in developing countries. A lot of celebreties commit suicide, despite having money, fame, a family...depression and loneliness definitely go hand in hand, it's just a question of what came first.
Maybe I'd have to learn again how to cope with it. But what are my options when I feel this way? Sit down and stare at the wall until I don't feel lonely anymore? Sleep? I can't focus on watching tv and if I go for a walk, I listen to music or distract myself (something that has already become sort of second nature). I'm actually kind of scared to see how addicted I am to distractions at this point. Especially since they don't work well anymore.
Some friends tell me "Find a girlfriend". But is that the answer? Of course I'd love to have someone special, someone who understands me and who is happy to have me around. But where to find such a person? I thought it could have been C, but I was wrong about that. Is it B? She's always there for me and I can feel her sincerity, but I can't help but feel that there's something missing, probably the romantic aspect. And I don't want to hurt someone, just because I suffer. I don't want to be a selfish person. As much as I hate to be alone, I want to be happy by being with someone who also feels happier because they have me in their life.
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